Amanda Morgan Life out here

‘Computer says NO’

Internet… Internot in the country

Internet connection… slow.
Cake .. almost ready to come out of the oven.
Been working on the computer for the whole 40 minutes the cake is cooking. Timer ready to go off, cake needs to be taken out of the oven and the computer WILL…. NOT …. WORK. Overcast day means the satellite Internet connection, dodgy at the best of times, is more on the blink than normal.

Bbrriinnggggg. There goes the timer.


Run down stairs. Check cake – not quite cooked. Reset timer. Run back up stairs – note to self don’t need to go for run tonight, getting enough exercise up and down the stairs!

The computer will only work in one place in the house – at the top of the stairs. The same place where the mobile phone works. Many phone conversations go something like –

Hello?…Sorry, who is this? Tom……did you say..? Tuesd….. sheep………

(Frantically shout into the phone)

Hello. Hello? HellO?

Hang on, what… hello… HELLO… wait a tick.. hello I’ll just go somewhere … hello…where you can … hello, don’t hang up.. reception’s not … hello can you hear me? I’ll just go somewhere…reception’s terrible.

Hello, yes hi! Sorry about that. Yes, reception is terrible but I can hear you now, can you hear me? Yes, what’s that? Oh, OK I’ll tell Rick that Tom will bring the … what’s that? Sorry, did you say Tom or John? Oh, John! OK, John – you will bring the truck out Tuesday to pick up the sheep. What time? 6.30? AM? Yep. No, that’s fine. Thanks, John, I’ll pass it on. Yep…thanks…bye.

I smell cake – a strong smell of cake.

Oh no!

The cake! It was still cooking!

Run downstairs. Uncooked cake now definitely cooked cake. Take it out of oven. No matter how I look at it, the top is rather brown. A bit of icing when it’s cooled and no-one will know. Rick will be so pleased to actually have something in the cake tin he won’t complain. It’s better than packet biscuits AGAIN.

So – cake cooked, write message down, run upstairs to try to get back to computer.

‘You are not connected to the Internet’ appears too often on the screen. I bloody AM on the Internet I shout at the computer. I am! I am! I am!
(Rick says he can tell how well the computer and Internet is working by the amount of shouting I do at the computer. Is that the first sign of madness, shouting at an inanimate object?)

I AM ON THE BLOODY INTERNET ! I shout at the computer. Stupid bloody computer.

I didn’t used to swear until I got a computer. Now I have quite the vocabulary.
And then because I am at the end of my tether, because it has been an hour since the Internet has been very sluggish and very intermittent and there are bills to be paid and office work needing attention and I really don’t need the Internet NOT to be working and because this is the THIRD day this week that this has happened, I slam the lid of the computer shut as hard as I can because I HATE my computer with a passion and I will SHOW the bloody thing that I HATE it!


I think I hear an odd sound that doesn’t sound quite right. I lift the lid of my computer. Oooohhhhh.

I text my son ‘ what does it mean when the computer has a blank grey screen with a flashing question mark in the middle?’

He replies, ‘it’s not a good sign’.

Nice computer, sweet computer, lovely computer. I talk lovingly to my computer to no avail.

I can almost feel my computer smile.

…..The blinking question mark mocks me as if to say ‘ blink … show … blink Blink… show.. blink … me?

Blink .. I’ll …blink ….show …..blink ….you ….blink ……blink ……blink.

AUTHOR: Amanda Morgan

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